An Anomaly

Chances are, if you are willing to spend 125 dollars to buy The Complete Star Wars Encyclopedia...

There's probably nothing in that book you don't already know.

Western Spaghetti by PES

This May Have Been a Factor in the Move

Today in Chicago: High of 31, low of 17.

Today in North Hollywood: High of 83, low of 53.


I may never complain about heat again.

The Jackson 5 : Dancing Machine

If Michael Jackson would just grow out his afro and dance the robot again, that might go a long way towards helping his image.

But don't take my word for it...(Skip 2 minutes in)

Rubbin elbows pt. 2

-The Great Hambino (Fat kid from the Sandlot) spilling an iced coffee all over himself at Starbucks.

I should just turn this blog into a list of underwhelming celebrity sightings.  

Rubbin elbows

Super Selebrity Sighting Update:

-The "PC" guy from the Mac v. PC ads.

-That dude that lost the MTV VJ contest to Jesse Camp about a decade back.

More stars than the galaxy above, I tell ya.

Wally

Yikes...

Am I right, ladies!?

Seriously, when did Cathy start getting published on the opinion page?  This looks like it should be on a "funny" hallmark card about turning 40 with a joke inside pertaining to how much women love chocolate.

Can we please stop this charade now?

For weeks I have diligently combed the headlines, waiting and hoping for the proverbial egg on the face that would derail this awful woman's ascendency to the White House.  

If this doesn't do it, I have no faith in the American public.

PS...I heart Charles Gibson

Maybe the Wrong Demographic

Somebody ( I won't say who) stayed up until five in the morning last night watching the Maria Bamford Show on Superdeluxe.com last night.

Hilarious show, but I kinda wonder why they only advertiser that seems to have bought time was the US Navy.

Is the Navy really looking to fill it's ranks with hipster comedy fans?

PS...Maria Bamford is the shit.

Larry David: Help a bald brother out

How to Make an Easy Million on the Indie Circuit

Take a true news story: 

Cuban Punk Rocker Jailed for Lyrics.


Fashion it into a heartwarming tale of redemption:  

Punk Rocker jailed for his rocking, teaches a jail (then a country) to "punk rock".


Make it for Americans: 

In doing so, he and a nation destroy Communism with punk rock.


Add a non-offensive, but miscast young actor: 

Paul Dano.




That's 100 million DVDs sold on a single Tuesday afternoon. 

You can have that one, Fox Searchlight.

Is it just me or did the Olympics get BORING?

Remember when all you would hear about was hoe polluted the air was in China? The marathon runners were going to die if they needed to breathe during the race.

And then the Chinese were going to shoot some crazy experimental science gun into the atmosphere to stave off rain.


And then there was that fake Chinese girl that was prettier than the real chinese girl.


And then that dude killed somebody and jumped off a building.


And swimming was still going on.


Action packed, right?


Now, I love sand volleyball as much as the next guy, but I have hit my quota. Somebody needs to accidentally throw a shotput into a car window or I am clocking out of this whole Olympic thing.

No Joel

I'm in Utah right now, somewhere near the Nevada border in a Super 8 off I-70.

I just wanted to mention that I did NOT go through with the Billy Joel experiment ($400 in gas money if I listened to "Movin' Out" 491 times in a row). Not that I didn't want to do it, but I just ran out of time to work it out. It's probably just as well though. It could of got dangerous, as conveyed in the following list:

"Moments While Driving When the Addition of Billy Joel Would Have Most Certainly Killed Me"

-Coasting down 3 mile hills at high speeds in Denver.

-Driving in Chicago with only five inches of back window visibility after getting into a screaming argument with an elderly Jewish woman and a Bakery Supply truck driver.

-Flash floods on windy roads in the darkness in Utah.

Hearing about Officer Leary trading in his Chevy for a Cadillac ack ack ack, at any one of those moments... and I wouldn't be alive right now.

The Journey Begins

I'm going to head off on my drive to California tomorrow morning. I hope to update soon.

For now, Do the Bartman,



I felt a little strange trying to convey to my younger sister what a smash hit the Simpsons was when I was a kid. Everybody had either a "Don't Have a Cow, Man!" T shirt or at least one of those giant buttons with Bart on it.

Movies that HBO showed me a million times as a child

When you run a 24 hour cable movie network, the economics of the situation dictate that not all 24 hours will be broadcasting quality fare. You're gonna have some gaps to fill in the low rated time slots that will need to be filled with dirt-cheap shitty movies that will be utilized so often you'd think they were in the public domain.

Thanks to this phenomenon, I was able to become intimately familiar with several PG-13 gems as a child. Here now is my childhood:


Just One of the Guys

Terry is an aspiring journalist/30 year old high school senior that is absolutely convinced that she isn't nominated for a top journalism prize because she's a woman. Her solution? Transfer high schools, dress up like a boy, and get into fights with the "Sweep the Leg" asshole from Karate Kid (He plays an asshole in this one too...typecast!).



Sidekicks/Ladybugs


Unfortunately it's hard to NOT choose sides in the great "Ladybugs/Sidekicks" debate. Personally I prefer the action packed Sidekicks (Two points for featuring Winnie Cooper and Bull from Night Court, Negative one point for Joe Piscopo). But no matter what side you fall in the matter, I think we can all agree that these two movies pretty much encapsulate the full Brandis experience.



Berry Gordy's the Last Dragon

Not a single ethnic group gets by unscathed in this funky-fresh kung fu epic. I kind of imagine this is what went down a lot in the pre-Gulianni New York City.



Little Giants

The Sandlot + Football and Rick Moranis - Charm = Little Giants.



Dutch

Ed O'Neil's crowning achievement.



Weekend at Bernie's 2

A Weekend at Bernie's sequel that's inexplicably set in the Caribbean? Sound like someone parlayed a crappy directing job into a paid vacation. I'm not sure I've ever ever seen the first one, but I feel like I've gotten the jist.

Combating Gas Prices the Only Way I Know How...

Would anyone pay for my drive across country if I promised to only listen to Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" on a loop?


(Update: Apparently people would. For those keeping track, that would involve hearing "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)" 497.14 times over 29 hours, providing I hit no traffic.......Someone please talk me out of this.)

It's not writing...it's typing.

It's getting harder and harder to be an outlaw in this world.  

In order to break free and set out on a vagabond's life ridin' the rails of the US of A, free from worry or care, I would first have to pay off two credit cards, find an apartment sublet, and finish out the terms of a five year car lease.  At that point, I could could conceivably go off the grid.  But even then, I would probably still have to stop in whatever small town I happened to be in at the time, and find some free Wi-Fi to check email.

This is the Twenty-first century.

Gone are the days when you can find fleeting romance in the form of a Mexican woman named Terry sitting in the bus seat next to you.  If you've ever ridden a Greyhound bus in the last decade, you know that Kerouac's America is dead.

It's too scary to hitchhike, and even scarier to live without adequate insurance coverage, so my "On the Road" adventure will not be so daring as to hop in the back of cars headed towards Mexico in search of Jazz and that damn Dean Moriarty.  

No, my adventure will just be an uprooting of my midwestern possessions and a move out west to see what kinds of people they keep out there.